“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?..."
-Isaiah 43:18-19
It has finally hit me.
My entire existence, everything I know, is about to become null & void.
The life I have made here in Charleston will be no more.
My friendships, my family, my doctors, my grocery stores, my favorite department stores...all of it...will soon completely disappear. Date nights with my HLP (heterosexual life partner), shopping days with Twin, lunch with my mom, playing with my niece & nephew, and rushing to my girlfriends side when they need a shoulder to cry on will now be few and far between.
I'll soon be enveloped by small town living where everybody knows everyone...and everyone may even know me...but I'll hardly know a soul. I will no longer have to secretly worry about running into my first love at Walmart. I'll no longer have to make sure I look smokin' hot while I'm out on the town just in case I should run into my ex-boyfriend and his new wife.
I am getting a chance at a new beginning...and I know I should be excited....but the exact opposite is true.
My heart is bleeding.
My mind is melting.
I feel the darkness creeping in.
When I was finally alone in my car on the way home from Raleigh, it felt like I had been punched in the gut by a ghostly wind.
I realized this week was my last week in town. My last week as a Charlestonian. The last week that I can actually say I am home.
Tears immediately stroked my face, and my heart finally fell. It was almost as if I could hear the devil's maniacal laugh in my ears and here his sultry whispers as he beckoned me into despair. I am an emotional wreck at the moment. And he knows it. And he plans to wreak havoc on my soul.
I'm sorry if that sounds strange to you, and I'm sorry if talk of the devil scares you.
But I'm a believer.
He's wrapped his depressing chains around me before, and I feel him trying to do it again. I've been surrounded by darkness, I've been squeezed by sadness, and I've been overwhelmed with despair. Granted, it has been years since I've felt that way, but I know it can happen, and I'm pretty certain it is about to happen again.
My husband has never seen that side of me before. Yes, he has seen me cry (A LOT), and he has seen me uncontrollably upset, but he has never seen my full blown depression kick in.
He has never seen me want to do nothing but sleep.
He has never seen me with no appetite.
He has never seen me feel as if I have no life to live for.
I know I should not feel this way, and I know that I need to try harder to make the best out of this situation.
That's a lot easier said than done. You see...this past year has been the happiest year of my life. Truly...I don't think I have ever been as happy as I was on my wedding day, and the months just kept getting better after that. I'm writing again, I'm cooking everyday, my blog has really taken off, and I have been able to share every single aspect of that with the love of my life by my side.
And now all of that is about to change.
On the flip side, while I was incredibly happy, my husband was not. I'm sure he has felt as if something was missing from his life, and I'm almost certain he has been secretly praying for God to show him what he should do now that he has his own family to care for. While I was on one side of the bed smiling inwardly thanking God for giving me such a wonderful life, Will was on the other, overwhelmed with worry and praying for God to give him peace in his own heart.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!!! It just makes me want to scream!!!!
Why can't life be easy, full of caramel apples and pumpkin spiced goodies hanging from the trees? Why can't the rivers overflow with skinny caramel macchiatos and owls fly with golden wings? Why must we be surrounded by war and death and hatred and greed? Why must I fight to stay afloat while my husband captains the ship?
I'm not the type of person to sit here and pretend like everything is okay when it's not.
I'm not the one to fake a smile, suck it up, and keep it all in.
No.
If I do that, it'll destroy me.
My emotions are too persuasive and were forged form Valyrian steel. They will swing and hack at my spirit until it is dead and bleeding, a bloodstained corpse riddled with wounds.
If I don't write these words...if I don't let them out...I will soon be a minuscule shred of my former self.
I am scared to death of this move. I am terrified that I will be so unhappy that it will, in turn, make my husband unhappy, and then we will both be doomed.
I've already seen the pain in his eyes as he wipes away my tears. He is incredibly upset that I am hurting so badly, and it kills me to know that my heartache is destroying him. However, the fact that my hurt makes him hurt causes me to fall in love with him all over again just as I did the first time. It thankfully casts a little bit of light into this murky gloom.
Amongst all this hoopla of horror I've been spewing forth today, I need to make a few things undeniably clear: I know this is the right move for us. I know this is the right decision for us. I know that this is our chance to make our dreams come true. Because of this, I absolutely will not hold a grudge against my husband for taking me away from Charleston. In fact, he isn't taking me away because this is a decision we made together. We decided as a couple that we had to do this. There was no way we could turn the opportunity down. I know in the end everything will be okay...
But that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it now.
Getting to know you...
Do you hold your feelings in?
Have you ever been depressed?
How do you make yourself feel better?
jessica says
to answer your querstions honestly:
do i hold my feelings in: absolutely. if i didnt there would have been times that i would do nothing but cry all day everyday.
have i ever been depressed? yes. when i moved to FL... i cried every. single. day and night. i vividly remember lying in bed sobbing to the point i couldnt breath and outloud begging God with full faith that he COULD do it; to turn back time and make it so we never left MA. He didnt, obviously and i kept trying to convince myself that i would make friends that i would adapt and create a life that would make me happy... it never happened. i even opened a dance studio which was (and still is) my #1 dream. i thought "if i have that i will be happy no matter what" i mean it was my lifelong DREAM... i should have been the happiest girl in the world.... nope. i still cried everyday wondering why i had the one thing that i had ever wanted and i still was miserable. i soon realized... what good is having the things you want when you dont have the most important people in your life around to share it with. so we left.closer to at least SOME of our family. Happy ending: I love it in charleston and love the amzing people i have met and truely believe i belong here right now and made it here for a reason... however. not a day goes by that i dont regret leaving MA just a little bit. not raising my babies along side with my cousins and my best friends, to me, is a tragedy. like i said i do believe i belong here in SC right now but my heart will always feel torn. i will always have a dark hole of saddness inside being away from that place. i painfully miss it everyday and if i had 1 wish in the world it would be to go back....
question 3: how do i deal with it.... i honestly dont know. i get by somehow, cause i have to.
and that is 100% the God's honest truth of my life.
amber says
I'm going to miss you the most! XOXO
Jessica says
and now im crying uncontrolably !
Mia says
Here we go: Do I hold my feelings in? Well, I literally just came back from crying in the stairwell at work - so usually, I do not. Sometimes I do, mostly if I think my response is going to be so inappropriate that it will horrify others. Have I ever been depressed? Not clinically. I'm still having a hard time dealing with the death of my father, which is probably why a relatively small setback at work led to crying in the stairwell for 30 minutes. I'm not sure that my issues would qualify as a pathology, rather than just the normal grieving process. Really, though, who's to say what's normal? How do I make myself feel better? Eating. Shopping. Sometimes cooking or another equally distracting project (and often combines both eating and shopping, since I rarely have real groceries). Sobbing on the phone to my mom (or, today, my big sister, since I couldn't find my mom).
Amber: I'm glad you shared this post, but it does make me worry about you. Promise that if you feel like you're having real, clinical symptoms you will either call a doc in Charleston that you're comfortable with or find a new one in your new home? I think your thoughts about the move are totally healthy and responsible; we can't control our feelings, and moving away from family can be super hard. But you're also moving closer to family! I hope the move goes smoothly. Can't wait to hear about what yummy things you cook up at the hub's parents' house!
amber says
I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time. It makes my blubbering seem completely menial compared to your pain. I promise, promise, promise that I will not get bad enough to injure myself intentionally or anything like that, and I also promise I will call a professional if I need one. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. <3
Mia says
That's sweet of you! My issues don't change or invalidate your stress through - if you're upset, then you're upset. I appreciate your thoughts (and need your prayers); I'm sure it will be alright eventually. If there's anything I can do for you, you let me know. I'm so serious about that!
Deetz says
🙁 I like to hide when I get depressed. And avoid people. But, I do find that it always helps to say what is weighing me down out loud to someone else, it's like it takes away the "power" it has in my head.
When I moved to Charleston I was so gungho in love with Hank and ready to be with him wherever I never really stopped to consider where I might want to live. I just was like "wherever he is, I want to be." 13 years later I still think of myself as a North Carolinian living in South Carolina. Sure, some days, (okay, almost all day May-October/November/December) I would love to high tail it out of town and retreat to the NC mountains or somewhere (anywhere) cooler, we've built a life here. Being with him is what makes it home. So, even though I'm devastated for you guys to be moving away I know you'll be able to create a home wherever you are because you are with Will, and when it comes down to it that is what matters most. Plus, if being there means the opportunity to create a more stable economic situation that means better chances for my future nieces and nephews 😉 and you never know, maybe in a few years you could start a new branch of the family business in Wilmington. Or you could end up making a place for yourself and loving it where you are. As long as you're together, and staying connected you'll be able to make it through. Paradise isn't really paradise without the person who makes your heart feel whole.
And I can just cry the whole way to Hemingway and back anytime we have to drive there for family outings without you. 🙁