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“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?…”
It has finally hit me.
My entire existence, everything I know, is about to become null & void.
The life I have made here in Charleston will be no more.
My friendships, my family, my doctors, my grocery stores, my favorite department stores…all of it…will soon completely disappear. Date nights with my HLP (heterosexual life partner), shopping days with Twin, lunch with my mom, playing with my niece & nephew, and rushing to my girlfriends side when they need a shoulder to cry on will now be few and far between.
I’ll soon be enveloped by small town living where everybody knows everyone…and everyone may even know me…but I’ll hardly know a soul. I will no longer have to secretly worry about running into my first love at Walmart. I’ll no longer have to make sure I look smokin’ hot while I’m out on the town just in case I should run into my ex-boyfriend and his new wife.
I am getting a chance at a new beginning…and I know I should be excited….but the exact opposite is true.
My heart is bleeding.
My mind is melting.
I feel the darkness creeping in.
When I was finally alone in my car on the way home from Raleigh, it felt like I had been punched in the gut by a ghostly wind.
I realized this week was my last week in town. My last week as a Charlestonian. The last week that I can actually say I am home.
Tears immediately stroked my face, and my heart finally fell. It was almost as if I could hear the devil’s maniacal laugh in my ears and here his sultry whispers as he beckoned me into despair. I am an emotional wreck at the moment. And he knows it. And he plans to wreak havoc on my soul.
I’m sorry if that sounds strange to you, and I’m sorry if talk of the devil scares you.
But I’m a believer.
He’s wrapped his depressing chains around me before, and I feel him trying to do it again. I’ve been surrounded by darkness, I’ve been squeezed by sadness, and I’ve been overwhelmed with despair. Granted, it has been years since I’ve felt that way, but I know it can happen, and I’m pretty certain it is about to happen again.
My husband has never seen that side of me before. Yes, he has seen me cry (A LOT), and he has seen me uncontrollably upset, but he has never seen my full blown depression kick in.
He has never seen me want to do nothing but sleep.
He has never seen me with no appetite.
He has never seen me feel as if I have no life to live for.
I know I should not feel this way, and I know that I need to try harder to make the best out of this situation.
That’s a lot easier said than done. You see…this past year has been the happiest year of my life. Truly…I don’t think I have ever been as happy as I was on my wedding day, and the months just kept getting better after that. I’m writing again, I’m cooking everyday, my blog has really taken off, and I have been able to share every single aspect of that with the love of my life by my side.
And now all of that is about to change.
On the flip side, while I was incredibly happy, my husband was not. I’m sure he has felt as if something was missing from his life, and I’m almost certain he has been secretly praying for God to show him what he should do now that he has his own family to care for. While I was on one side of the bed smiling inwardly thanking God for giving me such a wonderful life, Will was on the other, overwhelmed with worry and praying for God to give him peace in his own heart.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!!! It just makes me want to scream!!!!
Why can’t life be easy, full of caramel apples and pumpkin spiced goodies hanging from the trees? Why can’t the rivers overflow with skinny caramel macchiatos and owls fly with golden wings? Why must we be surrounded by war and death and hatred and greed? Why must I fight to stay afloat while my husband captains the ship?
I’m not the type of person to sit here and pretend like everything is okay when it’s not.
I’m not the one to fake a smile, suck it up, and keep it all in.
If I do that, it’ll destroy me.
My emotions are too persuasive and were forged form Valyrian steel. They will swing and hack at my spirit until it is dead and bleeding, a bloodstained corpse riddled with wounds.
If I don’t write these words…if I don’t let them out…I will soon be a minuscule shred of my former self.
I am scared to death of this move. I am terrified that I will be so unhappy that it will, in turn, make my husband unhappy, and then we will both be doomed.
I’ve already seen the pain in his eyes as he wipes away my tears. He is incredibly upset that I am hurting so badly, and it kills me to know that my heartache is destroying him. However, the fact that my hurt makes him hurt causes me to fall in love with him all over again just as I did the first time. It thankfully casts a little bit of light into this murky gloom.
Amongst all this hoopla of horror I’ve been spewing forth today, I need to make a few things undeniably clear: I know this is the right move for us. I know this is the right decision for us. I know that this is our chance to make our dreams come true. Because of this, I absolutely will not hold a grudge against my husband for taking me away from Charleston. In fact, he isn’t taking me away because this is a decision we made together. We decided as a couple that we had to do this. There was no way we could turn the opportunity down. I know in the end everything will be okay…
But that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it now.
Getting to know you…
Do you hold your feelings in?
Have you ever been depressed?
How do you make yourself feel better?