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The Skinny On Me Week 6: Rock A…Bye Baby

By 21

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ūüôĀ

“As you do not know the path of the wind,¬†
    or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, 
so you cannot understand the work of God,
¬†¬†¬†¬†the Maker of all things.”
Ecclesiastes 11:5

When I became a blogger, I made the decision to display my life to the world.

I knew there were going to be moments that would be difficult to share, but I also understood that it would be completely unfair of me to solely post my recipes and positive experiences while keeping my darkest moments hidden from view.

Life isn’t always sprinkled with rainbows, butterflies, and Kittles Cattles. ¬†So, I have chosen to give y’all a piece of everything rather than a whole lot of nothing.

Plus, I’m a writer.

All writers have dark days.

And writing is the only way to ignite my light.

If you read this post, then you got a bit of an indication that something was amiss last week.

It was more like my entire existence was thrown off kilter.

A few weeks ago (on Mother’s Day to be exact) the hubs and I were thrilled to learn that we were expecting our first little one. It wasn’t necessarily out of the blue, but it also wasn’t really planned either. Back in January, we made the decision to stop preventing rather than to start actively trying to conceive. So, we weren’t surprised that it happened, but we were surprised at how quickly it happened.

To explain my emotions on that day would be like braving a category 5 hurricane. I was pumped full of happiness, scared stupid, crying one minute, and laughing the next. I was a torrential tornado of emotions.

So, after facing the fact that a tiny human being-a little angel designed by pure joy and true love-was actually growing inside of me, I finally felt as if I had accomplished something in my life. I immediately held my head a little higher, smiled a bit bigger, and felt a desperate drive to survive.

First things first, I told my family and best friends (I can NOT keep a secret). I borrowed books, worried about anything and everything that went into my body, stopped changing the cat litter, and was fueled by the small ember of happiness that had started glowing within my heart.

I had an incredible sense of relief:

Relief that I was a 30 something with no apparent fertility issues.
Relief that God hadn’t punished me for my teenage angst by making me barren.
Relief that our child would be close in age to all of his/her cousins, and would probably be held by not one, not two, not three, but FOUR of his/her great grandparents.
Relief that my biggest wish in life may actually come true.

That’s when the spotting began.

At first, I wasn’t very worried. I’d read on message boards that spotting was completely normal. Especially if it wasn’t bright red.

It wasn’t at all, but after two days I decided to call my OB just to be sure.

I was told to come in the following morning for an ultrasound.

Never in my life have I been more terrified. All night, I continually read posting after posting after posting of girls who had the same symptoms as me who then went on to deliver fat and healthy bundles of love.

The next morning, I was surprisingly calm. I was a wee bit nauseated which I took to be a very good sign.

That was the only good sign of the day.

On the way to my appointment, my mom got a flat tire at the busiest intersection in town.
Then I had to postpone my ultrasound another 3 hours.
Then I had to take Weasley to the vet.
Then I had to call and report a drunk driver (it was 11:30am).
Then the vet quoted me $550 to run some tests that may or may not help them figure out what was wrong with my cat.
Then I got hit on at the gas station by a redneck.
Then I was told I was being coded as a “threatened abortion”, and I was given no hope.
Then the vet told me they weren’t sure what was wrong with Weas.
Then I went home.
Then my mom lost her keys, and my dad had to come pick her up.
Then the hubs got home.
Then I went to the bathroom and saw bright red.
Then the realization of my Drs diagnoses hit me.
Then my life changed.
Then my soul was shattered.

I was not at all prepared for the deep sense of loss I would feel when it finally hit me that I was no longer pregnant. Yes, I knew how likely it was that a miscarriage could happen (and that it happens quite a bit), but I didn’t know that it would hurt as much as it does.

I am completely devastated.

I feel like a lost sheep with black unblinking eyes.

I don’t know which way to turn.

I don’t see my guiding light.

I’m trying very hard to make sense of it all, and I’m trying very hard to continually tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I’m trying to keep myself busy, giving me absolutely no chance to have time to think. I’m trying to keep myself from falling into a pit of despair. I’m forcing myself to eat. I’m forcing myself to get out of bed. I’m forcing myself to…exist.

I do not know why God took our baby away from us.

I do not know if I ever will.

But what I do know is this…

I have an amazing husband who loves me for me.
I have an incredibly fantastic family who will always be by my side.
I have amazing best friends who are the cornerstones of my life.
I have a successful blog that helps me get my feelings off of my chest.
I have readers who care about my well being.
I have the ability to get pregnant.

And when the hurt has healed and the time is right…I have the desire to one day try again.

Getting to Know You…

How do you deal with loss?

Do you have any kids?

How did you begin to heal?  

 


Love y'all!
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21 Comments
  • Heather
    May 29, 2012

    Amber,
    Thank you so much for sharing this personal story. As you know, I am a huge fan of your blog already. I love not only your fantatic recipes but also you willingness to share who you are with the world. Not only is it incredibly brave of you to share this story but it is also generous. Many women will relate to this and in my experience, knowing that you aren’t the only one going through something is incredibly helpful and healing. I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you again for sharing. I think you are amazing.

    Lots of LOVE!
    Heather

    • amber
      May 30, 2012

      Thanks, Heather!!! Love you bunches & bunches!

  • Deetz
    May 30, 2012

    I love you! I am so glad you’re my sister!

    • amber
      May 30, 2012

      Love you too! Thanks for being so awesome! XOXO

  • Robin
    May 30, 2012

    Amber,
    I was in tears after reading your post! I am SO sorry! But girl, I can relate! We went through a similar thing almost a year ago. It gets better but after all this time I still have my moments when it just really hurts! If you need someone to talk to, or cry with you know where to find me! But btw…i love the site! This is the first time I have checked it out but ill be back! Hope to see you soon and please let me know if there its anything I can do for you guys!
    <3 Robin

    • amber
      May 30, 2012

      Thanks, Robin! It means a lot to me to know that you’re there for us! I’m so sorry y’all went through this also. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. We’ll be up there for the annual 4th of July shindig so we can cry together then XOXO

  • Amber, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I have never been pregnant so obviously cannot even begin to assume to know or understand what you’re feeling but your loss is of course 100% validated and needs to be processed as all losses do. I can just hope that you start to find the light again – your writing is beautiful and your recipes are amazing, so for all that you share on this blog you are totally 100% appreciated!

  • M
    June 22, 2012

    I know its hard. I had 2 miscarriages before I got pregnant and was able to have a healthy and happy baby boy. I would recommend acupuncture to help you relax. I don’t necessarily believe in the philosophy behind acupuncture, but I firmly believe it helped me get pregnant and helped me have a healthy pregnancy. Good luck. It takes time, but time does heal all wounds.

    • amber
      June 22, 2012

      Thanks, girl. It really is *so* hard, and I’m sorry for your losses as well. I still find myself thinking about it with tears in my eyes. I don’t think that will ever change, actually. But I try to stay strong and keep my head up, I really do believe things happen for a reason. So, here’s to having a happy, healthy baby one day! *fingers crossed*

  • Jan
    June 26, 2012

    I’ve read your blog for all your delicious recipes, and am embarrassed to admit that I just now saw this post. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, and can only imagine how you struggled through it. Miscarriages are very common, and getting pregnant isn’t as easy as the movies make it out to be (took us a year), but it doesn’t take the hurt away from this kind of a loss. Although a month too, late, I send you my love and prayers. I’ll continue to pray for you to feel better, and ready yourself for the next blessing.

    • amber
      June 26, 2012

      Don’t be embarrassed girl, you’ve got a lot on your plate right now! Thanks for your sweet and gentle words. It was really hard, and I’ll never forget but the pain is slowly starting to lessen. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers! It means a lot ūüôā XOXO

  • Lauren
    June 29, 2012

    Amber,
    I’ve known you since we were little girls, and I’m so very proud of you and all that you’ve done with this blog!!! Believe me, this is something that is inspiring and motivating to many of us who also have struggles in daily life.

    I want to tell you how sorry I am to hear that you’ve gone through such a difficult experience. It took me 7 years to get pregnant with my daughter (our “miracle baby”), and I assure you that in time, it will happen for you again! Don’t loose hope. Hold on to the promises that the Lord gives each of us with all of your might.

    Thoughts and prayers are with you and William as you go through this difficult time. You’ve already made a huge step by sharing your story with the world! One day it will be a reflection of how strong of a person you really are.

    I’m always here if you need to talk. Sending you LOTS of HUGS and reminding you to stay strong… <3

    • amber
      June 29, 2012

      Thanks, Lauren!!!! It’s been really hard, but I trust in the Lord with all my soul, so I know this happened for a reason. I’m still devastated and heartbroken, but it’s getting easier each and every day. Thanks so much for your sweet words of encouragement! It really means a lot XOXO

  • Dawn
    July 11, 2012

    Amber,
    I have gone through the same situation myself. The only difference was that I already had 2 boys. When we moved to Indiana in 05, I found out I was pregnant. Even started to show, had maternity clothes bought and everything. We had been in Indiana for 2 months, and I started getting sharp pains in my back that wrapped around to my stomach. I was married at the time, and my husband took me to the ER because I was also getting a terrible migraine. Before they would even treat the migraine, they wanted to look into the pains that I had been having. They did an external ultrasound, and could not find a heartbeat. They proceeded to do an internal ultrasound, and by the look on the doctor’s face, I knew something wasn’t right. Not to mention I was not hearing a heartbeat myself. At this point I was right at about 2 months along, and had thought everything was going just fine…until that night. Everyone left the room, and the doctor proceeded to tell my then husband and myself that there was no viable heartbeat for the baby. I truly thought that was the worst night of my life. I kept running through my head anything and everything I had done to try to figure out where I went wrong. I blamed myself, I blamed my husband, I blamed the doctors, and yes…I even blamed God. We left the hospital with my procedure scheduled for the next day, and went home to break the news to our 2 boys and my husband’s family. I was at a complete loss as to what to do or say. It definitely wasn’t an easy conversation. A month later, I learned why I had the miscarriage…I was diagnosed with endometriosis…and that is what technically terminated the pregnancy. It was a very hard pill to swallow at the age of 26,that I would probably never have another child due to the endo if we could not get it controlled, but I eventually pulled myself back up with the support of my mom, husband, and his family, and friends. We never got the endo controlled, and I my doctor stated that the only way to get relief from the pain was to unfortunately have a hysterectomy…26 and having to have a hysterectomy??!! I flipped out. But again, with the support I had at the time…I pulled myself out of the dark hole I was in. It wasn’t easy, and to this day I still think about my baby that I lost and what he/she would look like today and how they would be. I also learned a couple months later that God chose that child to be the guardian angel over my 2 boys, as they were both in 2 fatal car accidents within 6 weeks of the other…and I firmly believe that He had a plan for my unborn child…and that plan included protecting the 2 children that I already had

    But Amber…you are a very strong woman…and I know that even though this feels like the hardest thing in the world you have had to go through, you will pull through it. You have an amazing husband by your side and an amazing family to support you. And when you do have a child…that child will be very blessed to have you and your husband as parents. Just keep your chin up…it will happen. =) And I always have an ear if you ever need to vent, or cry, yell…anything.

    • amber
      July 12, 2012

      Thanks so much for sharing your story, Dawn! It definitely feels better to know that I’m not alone. I know everything happens for a reason, and I am holding my head up high until God decides to bless us with another little one! Thanks again!

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